Dating WITH people who don't date: the trilogy
In The BALM : After Hours' first episode we discussed love styles & The 5 Love Languages and how they applied to each of us, dating stages and how they differ between queer and straight relationships, and how long is too long before making things official!
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LEARNING 'BOUT LOVE
ARIANA HINTON, november 2020
I met someone who makes me think--never too much to give me a headache, but enough to inspire this poorly written article.
For the past couple of months, I’ve been acknowledging how my childhood--the way I was raised--as well as the relationships around me have heavily impacted me as a person, and how they have influenced my own relationships. Lately, I’ve been trying to be better; in fact, I’ve been trying to be the best I can be for someone that I’ve found myself growing to really like. There were some recurring issues, though, that I just could not wrap my mind around, seeing as I’d really been digging this shorty.
So I started putting thought into it, and eventually even having conversations with her, and I have truly come to understand that the relationships I grew up watching and watch now have definitely affected me, leaving me at several disadvantages.
There are 5 main love styles: The Pleaser, The Avoider, The Vacillator, The Controller, and The Victim. ( Here’s a test to find out your love style!!! http://howwelove.com )
According to "That’s How Your Childhood Affects Your Relationship" (https://youtu.be/kghYboB21t8) :
-The Pleaser : Grown - up pleasers have difficulties saying no, establishing clear boundaries, expressing their true feelings. In romantic relationships, they give their all to their partners, doing everything they can to make them happy.
-The Avoider : Avoiders are highly logical. They enjoy their space and almost never get emotional. Even more so, they feel really uncomfortable when someone else shows strong emotions. The main problem in their relationships is the absence of emotional connection.
-The Vacillator : Vacillators strive to find the stable love they never received in their childhood and make one crucial mistake while doing it : They idealize their partners. Every time a vacillator falls in love, they jump into the relationship right away, thinking they’ve found their perfect soulmate.
-The Controller : Controllers view the world from two perspectives: They’re either in control themselves or they’re being controlled by others. They don’t like stepping out of their comfort zone or expressing their emotions and vulnerability. The only feeling that isn’t weak is anger, so they prefer to use it as a weapon to remain in power.
-The Victim : In their adult life, victims become very adaptable and prefer to go with the flow. They can be described as introverted, shy, and self-conscious. Of course, all this doesn’t help them in their romantic love at all. They have no idea what life is like without abuse and violence, so they tend to gravitate to domineering, controlling, and even cruel partners.
After learning about the different types of love styles, I came to the conclusion that I am a pleaser as well as a vacillator. Now, you may be wondering how relationships you’ve grown up around have anything to do with this. Well, these love styles typically stem from them, whether you realize it or not. These relationships have started and fueled and even continue to fuel fires that can cause serious damage.
For me personally, I’ve noticed that my pleaser love style has been developing since I was very young, while my vacillator love style had not come into play until my double digit years. At a young age, as the first kid with great talent and big brains, expectations were and still are tremendously high for me. I was convinced that it was my job to please and be as perfect as I could be, whether that be academically, behaviorally, or even emotionally. So at times when I was not pleasing and being perfect in those areas to other people, I felt bad about myself, and I even think some of my anxiety started forming there.
As a result, now that I’m older, most of what I do is geared to please and be perfect in the eyes of other people. My anxiety has also sky-rocketed since then, and I’ve noticed specifically in the romantic area how badly this all has affected me and how it affects my relationships. I was never into expressing myself or saying *no* to people, boundaries weren’t really a thing for me, and I was constantly apologizing for things, even if I technically had no reason too, and still to this day I have not gotten rid of all of those unhealthy habits. In my relationships, I now find myself trying to avoid arguments, disagreements, and expressing myself by doing everything I can to please my partner. Unfortunately, at any point in time when my partner needs space or isn’t talking to me and letting it be known that I am making them happy, it sends my emotions through the roof. I get sad and anxious and eventually mad and questioning myself, trying to figure out what I need to be doing better. It’s a sick and sucky thing, man.
I truly believe that my vacillator love style came about later in my life, after I had moved out of my grandparents' house. At this point in my life, I had a little sister, and I would soon have a little brother as well. So attention was harder to get, and expectations were still very high. Although my family would probably argue that no love was lost, I felt the total opposite. Now, I find myself quickly attaching to people, and slowly but surely idealizing them because they managed to give me more than what I was used to, even though it was just the bare minimum overall. Which led me to make an interesting connection with my love styles and my love languages. Yep, those are two different things, and they are real. Love is complicated, don’t do it.
So as I stated before, not only are there love styles, there are also 5 love languages. These are how people value and prefer to express and receive love. Most people are familiar with these love languages, so I’m going to very briefly touch on them. The 5 love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
According to https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained :
-Words of Affirmation : Words of Affirmation is the love language where one values verbal affection, like compliments and constantly hearing *I love you*, as well as words of appreciation.
-Quality Time : Quality Time is exactly what it sounds like. This is the love language is where one values quality time.
-Receiving Gifts : Receiving Gifts is also exactly what it sounds like. This love language is where one values receiving gifts. Gifts are visual symbols of love.
-Act of Service : Acts of Service is where one values small actions like bringing you coffee before a meeting or taking your car for a wash for you-
-Physical Touch : Physical Touch is the love language that sounds exactly like it is--heavy on the *touch my body* Mariah Carey style.
So after doing my research and taking a love language test http://www.5lovelanguages.com, my dominant love language was quality time. I couldn’t say I was surprised either; in fact, to me, it made sense.
Growing up in households constantly trying to please and make people happy led to me putting my happiness last. There were rough transitions with getting attention to just being a kid with expectations and nothing else. I started developing attachment issues for people as I realized I was lacking a love attachment with members of my own family. I liked pleasing my partners and making sure they were happy. I was having anxiety attacks when my partners were texting me back in 20 minutes, and to spend quality time with a partner kind of cancels so much of those concerns out. If my partner wanted to spend time with me and was smiling while doing it, I would know that I’m making them happy, and my attachment issue with wanting to spend this quality time would suffice until we were no longer together, and my anxiety would be calmed because we’d be spending time together and giving each other attention.
All in all, it makes so much sense. It’s been scientifically proven that kids are very impressionable, but who would’ve guessed that it would be so easy for us to be so damaged before we could experience such relationships? We were flawed before we could figure it out ourselves.
Over time, though, flaws can become drives. Those losses we’ve taken can be used as lessons to be better in the future. To see how things affected us at a young age and how it negatively progresses can create a drive for change. Self awareness is a powerful thing: we can try to unlearn what is toxic, and to be better than what we know and receive(d). We all deserve love, and we can’t let things we have no control over control and dictate whether we give and receive love.
For the past couple of months, I’ve been acknowledging how my childhood--the way I was raised--as well as the relationships around me have heavily impacted me as a person, and how they have influenced my own relationships. Lately, I’ve been trying to be better; in fact, I’ve been trying to be the best I can be for someone that I’ve found myself growing to really like. There were some recurring issues, though, that I just could not wrap my mind around, seeing as I’d really been digging this shorty.
So I started putting thought into it, and eventually even having conversations with her, and I have truly come to understand that the relationships I grew up watching and watch now have definitely affected me, leaving me at several disadvantages.
There are 5 main love styles: The Pleaser, The Avoider, The Vacillator, The Controller, and The Victim. ( Here’s a test to find out your love style!!! http://howwelove.com )
According to "That’s How Your Childhood Affects Your Relationship" (https://youtu.be/kghYboB21t8) :
-The Pleaser : Grown - up pleasers have difficulties saying no, establishing clear boundaries, expressing their true feelings. In romantic relationships, they give their all to their partners, doing everything they can to make them happy.
-The Avoider : Avoiders are highly logical. They enjoy their space and almost never get emotional. Even more so, they feel really uncomfortable when someone else shows strong emotions. The main problem in their relationships is the absence of emotional connection.
-The Vacillator : Vacillators strive to find the stable love they never received in their childhood and make one crucial mistake while doing it : They idealize their partners. Every time a vacillator falls in love, they jump into the relationship right away, thinking they’ve found their perfect soulmate.
-The Controller : Controllers view the world from two perspectives: They’re either in control themselves or they’re being controlled by others. They don’t like stepping out of their comfort zone or expressing their emotions and vulnerability. The only feeling that isn’t weak is anger, so they prefer to use it as a weapon to remain in power.
-The Victim : In their adult life, victims become very adaptable and prefer to go with the flow. They can be described as introverted, shy, and self-conscious. Of course, all this doesn’t help them in their romantic love at all. They have no idea what life is like without abuse and violence, so they tend to gravitate to domineering, controlling, and even cruel partners.
After learning about the different types of love styles, I came to the conclusion that I am a pleaser as well as a vacillator. Now, you may be wondering how relationships you’ve grown up around have anything to do with this. Well, these love styles typically stem from them, whether you realize it or not. These relationships have started and fueled and even continue to fuel fires that can cause serious damage.
For me personally, I’ve noticed that my pleaser love style has been developing since I was very young, while my vacillator love style had not come into play until my double digit years. At a young age, as the first kid with great talent and big brains, expectations were and still are tremendously high for me. I was convinced that it was my job to please and be as perfect as I could be, whether that be academically, behaviorally, or even emotionally. So at times when I was not pleasing and being perfect in those areas to other people, I felt bad about myself, and I even think some of my anxiety started forming there.
As a result, now that I’m older, most of what I do is geared to please and be perfect in the eyes of other people. My anxiety has also sky-rocketed since then, and I’ve noticed specifically in the romantic area how badly this all has affected me and how it affects my relationships. I was never into expressing myself or saying *no* to people, boundaries weren’t really a thing for me, and I was constantly apologizing for things, even if I technically had no reason too, and still to this day I have not gotten rid of all of those unhealthy habits. In my relationships, I now find myself trying to avoid arguments, disagreements, and expressing myself by doing everything I can to please my partner. Unfortunately, at any point in time when my partner needs space or isn’t talking to me and letting it be known that I am making them happy, it sends my emotions through the roof. I get sad and anxious and eventually mad and questioning myself, trying to figure out what I need to be doing better. It’s a sick and sucky thing, man.
I truly believe that my vacillator love style came about later in my life, after I had moved out of my grandparents' house. At this point in my life, I had a little sister, and I would soon have a little brother as well. So attention was harder to get, and expectations were still very high. Although my family would probably argue that no love was lost, I felt the total opposite. Now, I find myself quickly attaching to people, and slowly but surely idealizing them because they managed to give me more than what I was used to, even though it was just the bare minimum overall. Which led me to make an interesting connection with my love styles and my love languages. Yep, those are two different things, and they are real. Love is complicated, don’t do it.
So as I stated before, not only are there love styles, there are also 5 love languages. These are how people value and prefer to express and receive love. Most people are familiar with these love languages, so I’m going to very briefly touch on them. The 5 love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
According to https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained :
-Words of Affirmation : Words of Affirmation is the love language where one values verbal affection, like compliments and constantly hearing *I love you*, as well as words of appreciation.
-Quality Time : Quality Time is exactly what it sounds like. This is the love language is where one values quality time.
-Receiving Gifts : Receiving Gifts is also exactly what it sounds like. This love language is where one values receiving gifts. Gifts are visual symbols of love.
-Act of Service : Acts of Service is where one values small actions like bringing you coffee before a meeting or taking your car for a wash for you-
-Physical Touch : Physical Touch is the love language that sounds exactly like it is--heavy on the *touch my body* Mariah Carey style.
So after doing my research and taking a love language test http://www.5lovelanguages.com, my dominant love language was quality time. I couldn’t say I was surprised either; in fact, to me, it made sense.
Growing up in households constantly trying to please and make people happy led to me putting my happiness last. There were rough transitions with getting attention to just being a kid with expectations and nothing else. I started developing attachment issues for people as I realized I was lacking a love attachment with members of my own family. I liked pleasing my partners and making sure they were happy. I was having anxiety attacks when my partners were texting me back in 20 minutes, and to spend quality time with a partner kind of cancels so much of those concerns out. If my partner wanted to spend time with me and was smiling while doing it, I would know that I’m making them happy, and my attachment issue with wanting to spend this quality time would suffice until we were no longer together, and my anxiety would be calmed because we’d be spending time together and giving each other attention.
All in all, it makes so much sense. It’s been scientifically proven that kids are very impressionable, but who would’ve guessed that it would be so easy for us to be so damaged before we could experience such relationships? We were flawed before we could figure it out ourselves.
Over time, though, flaws can become drives. Those losses we’ve taken can be used as lessons to be better in the future. To see how things affected us at a young age and how it negatively progresses can create a drive for change. Self awareness is a powerful thing: we can try to unlearn what is toxic, and to be better than what we know and receive(d). We all deserve love, and we can’t let things we have no control over control and dictate whether we give and receive love.
