I think I love too much. Maybe it's overthinking or high expectations, but I never feel satisfied with my love life. It's always “he could do this better” or “he could stop being like this and he'd be perfect”. I used to pick two people and imagine what they were like if they were molded into one person. I'd make my dream boyfriend in my head. I'd fantasize about my perfect husband and what he would be like. I'd idolize my crushes and make them into the perfect person for me. I'd change who they were completely, then get sad when they turned out to be different from what I made them be. I obsess over the thought of loving them. I write poems and draw and bake and pour my heart into them, just for them to leave. I plan dates and make Pinterest boards and playlists and hyperfixate on them, just for them to want nothing to do with me.
Maybe… maybe I just scare them off. What if it's them, not me? People always tell me that I “deserve better,” but truthfully, I latch onto anyone who likes me. My perception of love is so skewed that I'd marry someone abusive just because they called me pretty. I'd stay up late to talk to them, I'd listen to music they like, I'd do the things they do, just for my love to be reciprocated. I love romance and I love love and I crave the feeling of BEING loved. I'll deal with any wrongdoings or mistakes they make just so they stay with me. I love dressing up to see a crush. I love Valentine's day. I love proposals in every and any iteration. I love romance books. I love love songs and how men yearn for their partners. I dreamt of it happening to me. So whenever the slightest chance comes up, no matter the circumstances, I take it.
I know this is an unhealthy habit to have, and I know how bad it is to fall for anyone who shows me attention. I blame it on my childhood. My lack of being liked and my constant bullying, just for being alive. It led me to crave affection, but never to necessarily ask for it. If I ask for it, is it even genuine? If I ask you to love me, do you do it out of obligation or because you actually love me? When someone asks you about me, will you speak of me highly or say that you don't even know who I am? I always thought that the perfect person for you would just get it. They'd know what you like and what you don't just from looking at you. Like an instant connection or, to put it simply, love at first sight. A fairytale kinda love. The kind of love I “deserve.”
Until then, I'm happy. I'm happy with knowing that the love I want I'll probably never get. I'm happy with my relationship. I'm happy knowing that I'll die without experiencing the love I describe. I'm perfectly content with that.
I know this is an unhealthy habit to have, and I know how bad it is to fall for anyone who shows me attention. I blame it on my childhood. My lack of being liked and my constant bullying, just for being alive. It led me to crave affection, but never to necessarily ask for it. If I ask for it, is it even genuine? If I ask you to love me, do you do it out of obligation or because you actually love me? When someone asks you about me, will you speak of me highly or say that you don't even know who I am? I always thought that the perfect person for you would just get it. They'd know what you like and what you don't just from looking at you. Like an instant connection or, to put it simply, love at first sight. A fairytale kinda love. The kind of love I “deserve.”
Until then, I'm happy. I'm happy with knowing that the love I want I'll probably never get. I'm happy with my relationship. I'm happy knowing that I'll die without experiencing the love I describe. I'm perfectly content with that.
Allyse Walker
