10/2/18 (I wrote this when I was 12 years old)
Dear, 2nd grade Angel
Hey it’s me, you but in the future. How do you like your new school just kidding I know you already hate it, the kids are fighting almost everyday Maleah and Taliyah are arguing on who’s your best friend. But hey a heads up Maleah transfers that year and Taliyah transfers in fifth. But they’ll both be your best friends eventually and uh Jalen he likes you too but you don’t get together. A lot of people are mean especially Johntavion he will say some bad things about you but Taliyah takes care of it. Taliyah is one of the most loyal friends you’ll have and when she left I’ll admit you cried the rest of the day from when you were at art to when you fell asleep and then the next day you cried some more. But she’s moving back this month ( by the way it's 2018) I can’t wait to see her again and also you glow up in 5th grade your pretty and you know it.
Love, Future Angel
Dear, 2nd grade Angel
Hey it’s me, you but in the future. How do you like your new school just kidding I know you already hate it, the kids are fighting almost everyday Maleah and Taliyah are arguing on who’s your best friend. But hey a heads up Maleah transfers that year and Taliyah transfers in fifth. But they’ll both be your best friends eventually and uh Jalen he likes you too but you don’t get together. A lot of people are mean especially Johntavion he will say some bad things about you but Taliyah takes care of it. Taliyah is one of the most loyal friends you’ll have and when she left I’ll admit you cried the rest of the day from when you were at art to when you fell asleep and then the next day you cried some more. But she’s moving back this month ( by the way it's 2018) I can’t wait to see her again and also you glow up in 5th grade your pretty and you know it.
Love, Future Angel
9/10/20 (I wrote this when I was 14 years old)
Dear future Angel,
Right now as you’re writing this letter you just turned 14. You still attend Gwendolyn Brooks and you are a freshman. Your classes have been going well so far by far Mr.Abubakar is your favorite teacher. You haven’t made any new friends but the people seem to like you to some extent. You still get really nervous talking to new people your whole body was shaking when you had to present your slide. They did really seem to enjoy your song on the ukulele solo. Your best friends are Remus, Lelan, Amaya, and Remy. They are really the only people that understand you and deal with your eccentric nature. You recently got accepted to your first “job” but it’s something you've been interested in since you were little but hopefully you enjoyed it. Right now your favorite food is lasagna and I don’t ever see that changing. You still really enjoy listening to Micheal Jackson not as much as Aiden though. Jace is only a week or so old and I know when you met him you were so happy. Your favorite color is grey and your favorite animal is still an axolotl even if they do look weird. You’re getting better at feeling good about your looks. You still don’t like pictures, however your first week of school outfits have been popping even if you are just at home. You’ve been persistent with wanting to do really good in school these are the years when it matters after all. You really want to ace all your classes and balance your school work perfectly but no ones perfect and you know that. You want to get to know your teacher really well so you can bother them at lunch and afterschool like you always do. Hopefully we can go back to school soon but it's not safe. You keep working hard, and keep being respectful and working on yourself to set you up for success . Hopefully things are better and even if they aren’t I couldn't be prouder of the person you’ve become. I Love every ounce of your being, ever word you say, and everything you do, you are amazing,
Love, Angel
Dear future Angel,
Right now as you’re writing this letter you just turned 14. You still attend Gwendolyn Brooks and you are a freshman. Your classes have been going well so far by far Mr.Abubakar is your favorite teacher. You haven’t made any new friends but the people seem to like you to some extent. You still get really nervous talking to new people your whole body was shaking when you had to present your slide. They did really seem to enjoy your song on the ukulele solo. Your best friends are Remus, Lelan, Amaya, and Remy. They are really the only people that understand you and deal with your eccentric nature. You recently got accepted to your first “job” but it’s something you've been interested in since you were little but hopefully you enjoyed it. Right now your favorite food is lasagna and I don’t ever see that changing. You still really enjoy listening to Micheal Jackson not as much as Aiden though. Jace is only a week or so old and I know when you met him you were so happy. Your favorite color is grey and your favorite animal is still an axolotl even if they do look weird. You’re getting better at feeling good about your looks. You still don’t like pictures, however your first week of school outfits have been popping even if you are just at home. You’ve been persistent with wanting to do really good in school these are the years when it matters after all. You really want to ace all your classes and balance your school work perfectly but no ones perfect and you know that. You want to get to know your teacher really well so you can bother them at lunch and afterschool like you always do. Hopefully we can go back to school soon but it's not safe. You keep working hard, and keep being respectful and working on yourself to set you up for success . Hopefully things are better and even if they aren’t I couldn't be prouder of the person you’ve become. I Love every ounce of your being, ever word you say, and everything you do, you are amazing,
Love, Angel
5/6/24 (17 years old)
Dear Younger Angel,
Many times in your life you have been prompted to write letters to me. You filled those letters with so much hope, so many expectations of what would become of me. Academic achievements, friendships, and self love. Well, I have none of that. You’ve sent me nothing but love and hope, but I sent you resentment. I see you on my wall every day, a picture of your 8th grade graduation. I hide your face every time someone enters my room, but when I’m alone you stare at me. You smile the most authentic smile. On that day you felt so beautiful, but l look at you and feel nothing but embarrassment. I deleted every picture of you on my phone. Anytime anyone would bring you up, I shut it down. I blamed you for all of my problems: Why I am the way I am. Why I feel attached to people and never want to let go. Why I could never make any friends. Why no one ever truly liked me. I blamed you for everything anyone has done to you, because you deserved it ten fold.
I even hesitated on putting what you’d written in this article. A shake as I continue typing knowing that those words precede this letter. However, I read these letters, terrible grammar and all, and there was always some part of me that held true. Even at 11 years old, you couldn’t bear to let go of someone, even though that person was controlling, wouldn’t let you make other friends, and made you do things you didn’t want to. You cried when she left for hours on end, and you never saw her again. You wrote about how people are mean to you, how they’ve always been. You depended on her to keep you safe because you were too weak to stand up on your own. Even at 14 years old, you wrote to me about how you didn’t like yourself. You wrote how you couldn’t stand to look at any pictures of yourself. You wrote about how you feared speaking in class because you couldn’t stand the thought of ostracization. Even in the third line, all you were worried about was if people liked you.
I wonder what you would think if you read this knowing that I became the people who hurt you. Probably the same way I feel knowing that I hate everything about you because they’re still a part of me. Last week, I was taking pictures with my friends, but with every picture I took, I couldn’t help but notice the asymmetry in my face and the awkwardness in my smile. I saw nothing but ugly. Funnily enough, last week I also got broken up with. However, what hurt the most was the fear of being alone. Even when talking to my friends, I feel nervous to speak because I’m scared they don't actually like me. Most people consider me an extrovert, someone loud and bold with many friends. However, I’m nothing more than the little 7 year old girl who cried in class because people were too loud, the 10 year old girl who cried because her best friend moved away, the 11 year old girl who cried because she was getting bullied, the 13 year old girl who cried on her birthday because the pictures she took were ugly, the 14 year old girl who cried because she thought no one liked her, and the 17 year old girl who cried because she hated herself for all of it. I spent so much time hating you because I didn’t want to admit that I really hated me.
No matter what, you ended your letter with love. You’re probably crying right now, so I’ll tell you everything you told me. Right now, you’re 17. You have so many wonderful friends who love you so much, and they’re not the only people who understand you. Your favorite food is still lasagna, but your favorite color is pink now. Your favorite artist is Hozier. Yes, the guy who made “Take Me to Church,” and he has MANY more amazing songs. You’re so pretty, and people tell you everyday. You have thousands of pictures in your phone, most of which are screenshots, but many of them are yourself. Your outfits were, in fact, not popping, but they definitely are now. You don’t have straight A’s, but you talk more than most people in class, and you’re still really good at math. You do still get to bother your teachers, thankfully. You have been working on yourself, but you’re so incredibly disrespectful in the best way possible.
I guess this is the part where I tell you that I love you and I’m proud. I would, but I’d be lying. Maybe in another couple of years I’ll be able to say it. For now, just know you deserved so much better than what you had, and now you have that.
One day,
-Future Angel
Dear Younger Angel,
Many times in your life you have been prompted to write letters to me. You filled those letters with so much hope, so many expectations of what would become of me. Academic achievements, friendships, and self love. Well, I have none of that. You’ve sent me nothing but love and hope, but I sent you resentment. I see you on my wall every day, a picture of your 8th grade graduation. I hide your face every time someone enters my room, but when I’m alone you stare at me. You smile the most authentic smile. On that day you felt so beautiful, but l look at you and feel nothing but embarrassment. I deleted every picture of you on my phone. Anytime anyone would bring you up, I shut it down. I blamed you for all of my problems: Why I am the way I am. Why I feel attached to people and never want to let go. Why I could never make any friends. Why no one ever truly liked me. I blamed you for everything anyone has done to you, because you deserved it ten fold.
I even hesitated on putting what you’d written in this article. A shake as I continue typing knowing that those words precede this letter. However, I read these letters, terrible grammar and all, and there was always some part of me that held true. Even at 11 years old, you couldn’t bear to let go of someone, even though that person was controlling, wouldn’t let you make other friends, and made you do things you didn’t want to. You cried when she left for hours on end, and you never saw her again. You wrote about how people are mean to you, how they’ve always been. You depended on her to keep you safe because you were too weak to stand up on your own. Even at 14 years old, you wrote to me about how you didn’t like yourself. You wrote how you couldn’t stand to look at any pictures of yourself. You wrote about how you feared speaking in class because you couldn’t stand the thought of ostracization. Even in the third line, all you were worried about was if people liked you.
I wonder what you would think if you read this knowing that I became the people who hurt you. Probably the same way I feel knowing that I hate everything about you because they’re still a part of me. Last week, I was taking pictures with my friends, but with every picture I took, I couldn’t help but notice the asymmetry in my face and the awkwardness in my smile. I saw nothing but ugly. Funnily enough, last week I also got broken up with. However, what hurt the most was the fear of being alone. Even when talking to my friends, I feel nervous to speak because I’m scared they don't actually like me. Most people consider me an extrovert, someone loud and bold with many friends. However, I’m nothing more than the little 7 year old girl who cried in class because people were too loud, the 10 year old girl who cried because her best friend moved away, the 11 year old girl who cried because she was getting bullied, the 13 year old girl who cried on her birthday because the pictures she took were ugly, the 14 year old girl who cried because she thought no one liked her, and the 17 year old girl who cried because she hated herself for all of it. I spent so much time hating you because I didn’t want to admit that I really hated me.
No matter what, you ended your letter with love. You’re probably crying right now, so I’ll tell you everything you told me. Right now, you’re 17. You have so many wonderful friends who love you so much, and they’re not the only people who understand you. Your favorite food is still lasagna, but your favorite color is pink now. Your favorite artist is Hozier. Yes, the guy who made “Take Me to Church,” and he has MANY more amazing songs. You’re so pretty, and people tell you everyday. You have thousands of pictures in your phone, most of which are screenshots, but many of them are yourself. Your outfits were, in fact, not popping, but they definitely are now. You don’t have straight A’s, but you talk more than most people in class, and you’re still really good at math. You do still get to bother your teachers, thankfully. You have been working on yourself, but you’re so incredibly disrespectful in the best way possible.
I guess this is the part where I tell you that I love you and I’m proud. I would, but I’d be lying. Maybe in another couple of years I’ll be able to say it. For now, just know you deserved so much better than what you had, and now you have that.
One day,
-Future Angel
Angel Cal
