Emotional, Thoughtful, Affectionate, Lively.
These are the things I exert.
If you were to ask a family member, a friend, or a teacher, even.
What does she bring to the table?
Describe her to me?
Smart.
They would say.
Why?
I find myself consistently “negative” and critical
About who I am and what I achieve.
Well, I know I’m supposed to be smart.
Repetition and goals, I’ve had too many.
Maintain this.
Update that.
What more do you want from me?
My will is sucked dry, and I’m exhausted.
A life after this is hard to imagine.
I’ve heard it gets harder.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
But when those comparisons are built on expectations of yourself.
How do you manage?
A quote I live by is “Ask yourself, have you ever worked hard for anything?”
The answer will never be yes.
I could always work harder, stay up one more hour.
I rage to avoid disappointment.
Disappointment is worse.
Acknowledging these emotions is difficult.
Because nothing will change.
I’m not where I want to be.
I’m not where I need to be.
The results don’t show, and I’m still mediocre.
The final display ended in tears.
I can't tell you when the downfall began, but every day, my goals seem out of reach
Further and further, unrealistic, and impossible.
I am still trying.
These are the things I exert.
If you were to ask a family member, a friend, or a teacher, even.
What does she bring to the table?
Describe her to me?
Smart.
They would say.
Why?
I find myself consistently “negative” and critical
About who I am and what I achieve.
Well, I know I’m supposed to be smart.
Repetition and goals, I’ve had too many.
Maintain this.
Update that.
What more do you want from me?
My will is sucked dry, and I’m exhausted.
A life after this is hard to imagine.
I’ve heard it gets harder.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
But when those comparisons are built on expectations of yourself.
How do you manage?
A quote I live by is “Ask yourself, have you ever worked hard for anything?”
The answer will never be yes.
I could always work harder, stay up one more hour.
I rage to avoid disappointment.
Disappointment is worse.
Acknowledging these emotions is difficult.
Because nothing will change.
I’m not where I want to be.
I’m not where I need to be.
The results don’t show, and I’m still mediocre.
The final display ended in tears.
I can't tell you when the downfall began, but every day, my goals seem out of reach
Further and further, unrealistic, and impossible.
I am still trying.
Aiyanna Shields
