i wake up every morning at 7 am. naturally. it’s as if my body is taunting me. i stare at the ceiling for 20 minutes before falling back asleep. after i told myself i was going to be productive. i wake back up at 8 am. then back to sleep until 10. this cycle repeats until my body can no longer go back to sleep. my head aches heavily, and i feel like a hollow shell. i open up my ipad to play something. whether that be music or a youtube video. something that will make me stop thinking. my bed is like a coffin. holding me there to never get up. it’s as if i’m not supposed to. i can’t move until around 3 pm, sitting up and staring at the wall. my head aches. i get up to walk around, pretending like i don’t notice the sharp knives, the bottle of pills, or the tall flight of stairs. pretending like i want to exist. my head aches. i dance around my room to music, as if im some beautiful girl that i know i’m not. i stare at the fridge, at the food, at the calories, preservatives, oil, protein, carbs, sodium, vitamins, fiber. as if i fucking care and i won’t go into my room tonight and eat all i can fit in my stomach. my first meal is probably at 6 pm, it’s not healthy, and i’d be lying if i said i wanted to fix that. i’ll lay back down on my bed, listening to other people rant to me about something i could not care less about. giving advice to people when i should take it myself. my head aches. i might wait for a text from him, even if i know he’s a sick freak of a man. my head aches. i might consume negative media. my head aches. i might hit my head repeatedly. my head aches. i like to pretend that i am a functioning human. my head aches. i pretend that my body isn’t in constant pain from the torture i put myself through. my head aches. my head. my head. my head. aches. it hurts. aches. pain. my head hurts. my head hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts my head fucking hurts my head my head my body is in pain my head my heart my stomach it hurts it all hurts it aches it burns my body hurts stop stop stop stop stop.
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