At some point in my life, I became aware enough to realize how I’m responsible for how my life goes. I like to call it the year I “became conscious."
The year I became conscious was mid-2023. In those months, I had just gotten broken up with for the second time ever, and it made me realize that I can control the way I feel. It made me realize that because for the first week, I was so depressed that I wouldn’t eat, and I could only lay there and cry. After I was eventually over it--11 months later, before I ran into my most recent ex--I realized that that had gone on for way too long.
Also, not only can I control the way I feel, but I can control my decisions and actions. I’m the only one who can decide my life, yet I still let people ruin it. Even with that consciousness, I choose to neglect it, which makes every way my life can be ruined a fault of my own. The way I ruin my life is by neglecting my newfound consciousness. More specifically with women. That’s one of the only times I neglect my intuition for perceived happiness.
The year I became conscious was mid-2023. In those months, I had just gotten broken up with for the second time ever, and it made me realize that I can control the way I feel. It made me realize that because for the first week, I was so depressed that I wouldn’t eat, and I could only lay there and cry. After I was eventually over it--11 months later, before I ran into my most recent ex--I realized that that had gone on for way too long.
Also, not only can I control the way I feel, but I can control my decisions and actions. I’m the only one who can decide my life, yet I still let people ruin it. Even with that consciousness, I choose to neglect it, which makes every way my life can be ruined a fault of my own. The way I ruin my life is by neglecting my newfound consciousness. More specifically with women. That’s one of the only times I neglect my intuition for perceived happiness.
My buddy, who will go unnamed, does the same. He says that the year he became conscious was 2022. Since then, he has ignored his conscience several times. Repeatedly. From what he tells me, I’m sure he would let go if he had the power to. It’s never as simple as stopping or else we just would. This has been happening since, seemingly, the beginning of time. Everyone knows that Eve didn’t really bite an apple in the Bible. It’s a metaphor for giving into her temptations. She knew better. She was conscious enough to recognize right from wrong, yet she was still attracted to the “apple,” and she still “ate” it.
This makes me think there has to be something psychological going on. There has to be a phenomenon behind why humans have been ignoring their intuitions forever. Even the first people ever weren’t above ignoring their intuition.
This makes me think there has to be something psychological going on. There has to be a phenomenon behind why humans have been ignoring their intuitions forever. Even the first people ever weren’t above ignoring their intuition.
PubMed Central, a research center, says that it is estimated that 40% of deaths are due to a failure to control oneself. Self-control and neglect of intuition are, unfortunately, just a part of human nature. I still just can’t understand why personally I’m so attracted to doing this to myself, but it’s most likely just me. Even with research, it may be hard to call. It’s said that practicing mindfulness can help aid these lapses in judgement, but factors need to be considered.
When people feel extremely sad and a specific person is giving them so much joy, they’ll chase the feeling. I’m sure that’s true with anyone doing anything. Considering that studies prove impulse control is hard and that dopamine is produced from love, when you’re sad and you find joy in a person, it may be hard to let them go. Without the research, I understand that childhood trauma and self-worth can play a part in decisions in love. Harvard even says that love creates a sense of reward. That could cause someone to run back to a person for the said reward.
This could answer why I find it hard to let things go and listen to myself the first time. It’s almost like telling a meth addict to put the meth down. Do you really expect them to do it the first time? True enough, they shouldn’t have been doing meth in the first place, but it’s their brain’s fault. If they could stop ruining their life, they would.
When people feel extremely sad and a specific person is giving them so much joy, they’ll chase the feeling. I’m sure that’s true with anyone doing anything. Considering that studies prove impulse control is hard and that dopamine is produced from love, when you’re sad and you find joy in a person, it may be hard to let them go. Without the research, I understand that childhood trauma and self-worth can play a part in decisions in love. Harvard even says that love creates a sense of reward. That could cause someone to run back to a person for the said reward.
This could answer why I find it hard to let things go and listen to myself the first time. It’s almost like telling a meth addict to put the meth down. Do you really expect them to do it the first time? True enough, they shouldn’t have been doing meth in the first place, but it’s their brain’s fault. If they could stop ruining their life, they would.
I don’t do drugs. I date girls. Which is probably close enough. If I could stop myself from repeating the cycle I fall into, I would. But it’s my brain’s fault. Clearly, if forty percent of deaths in the U.S. are from poor impulse control, I can’t be the problem. The only problem is, I COULD very well stop this from happening. It would take a lot of meditation and awareness. But I would have to be so much more in tune with myself and understand myself in a way that I can’t even fathom at the moment. It’s easier to blame my brain and be helpless. In contrast, if it was that simple, I would’ve already done it.
I don’t necessarily like being hurt, and I’m sure the people who die by their impulses don’t either. It’s something almost instinctual that takes over even when you know it’s wrong. Harvard Medical even proved this in a study they conducted in 2015. It was said that love activates primitive areas of the brain. This could be why it’s such a fight between what you know and what you feel. The primitive area of your brain is taking over. However, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone and it’s instinctual.
I don’t necessarily like being hurt, and I’m sure the people who die by their impulses don’t either. It’s something almost instinctual that takes over even when you know it’s wrong. Harvard Medical even proved this in a study they conducted in 2015. It was said that love activates primitive areas of the brain. This could be why it’s such a fight between what you know and what you feel. The primitive area of your brain is taking over. However, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone and it’s instinctual.
This essay is purely introspective. I can’t predict the way humans are the way they are, and I’m pretty sure it would be hard to do so. Humans are complicated. Being conscious and intentional is hard to do without practice. All I know is the year I became conscious was 2023. Like almost everybody else, I ignore my consciousness for “love”. I give in to my impulses, and that’s the way I ruin my life.
It’s weird because I find a small, comforting joy in it. This may sound crazy, but I think if I was ever to change, I’d be scared. I don’t know why it’s comforting, and I don’t think I want to. I’m perfectly okay with ruining my life by ignoring my newfound consciousness. I’m not a gambling man, but it may be worth it. So I guess I’ll join the rest of the forty percent and die by my impulses. But honestly, my brain did it, so am I really liable for the damages?
It’s weird because I find a small, comforting joy in it. This may sound crazy, but I think if I was ever to change, I’d be scared. I don’t know why it’s comforting, and I don’t think I want to. I’m perfectly okay with ruining my life by ignoring my newfound consciousness. I’m not a gambling man, but it may be worth it. So I guess I’ll join the rest of the forty percent and die by my impulses. But honestly, my brain did it, so am I really liable for the damages?
