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I had the misfortune of reading the book “They Could’ve Named Her Anything” by Stephanie Jimenez, a YA coming-of-age novel about Rachelle “Rocky” Albrect and Maria Anis Rosario. I found the book through a Pinterest advert, mostly because it was continuously pushing at me, and so I eventually gave in. It took me to a link for the Amazon page, and by the description, I was hooked. It was framed as a punky, Moxie-esque story about two teenage girls finding their personal rebellion in the streets of New York. It was the opposite.
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The novel’s main characters, as aforementioned, are Maria Rosario and Rachelle “Rocky” Albrecht. Maria and Rocky both attend Bell Seminary, a posh, private, all-girls school in downtown New York. Bell Seminary is notorious for being a school crawling with rich girls, and Rocky is one of them. Maria is not, and is one of about seven to eight Hispanic students attending Bell Seminary, and one of two students who live in Queens. Rocky and Maria aren’t friends at first, but they start hanging around each other after Maria refuses to move from an incorrect seat in math. The author immediately lets us know that Rocky isn't like the other girls. She wears smudgy eyeliner and has a Planned Parenthood sticker on her laptop. Oh, the horror.
In the Amazon description, it seems like Rocky uses her money to break rules, have fun, and do weird rich people things, like fill a pool with gold-flaked pickles. But the author tells us something worse. She wears Dior flats one day, and the next, she wears Converse… with drawings on them. The author then describes how Rocky laughs at others’ goals and is often rude. As a person with little to no filter, it sounds like Rocky simply has no filter. She’s meant to serve as a deuteragonist, aiding Maria in their brief friendship and acting as the catalyst for their rebellion.
In the Amazon description, it seems like Rocky uses her money to break rules, have fun, and do weird rich people things, like fill a pool with gold-flaked pickles. But the author tells us something worse. She wears Dior flats one day, and the next, she wears Converse… with drawings on them. The author then describes how Rocky laughs at others’ goals and is often rude. As a person with little to no filter, it sounds like Rocky simply has no filter. She’s meant to serve as a deuteragonist, aiding Maria in their brief friendship and acting as the catalyst for their rebellion.
To me, though, she just feels like a rich white girl who yearns for attention from her equally neglectful parents, and expresses that yearning by being openly racist and simply a bad person on more than one occasion. I think the author wants us to like her, but I’m unsure. None of her actions are likeable. In terms of characters in general, one issue this book really had was either having forgettable characters that only served as temporary, one-dimensional plot devices to further the stories of the less forgettable, but exponentially worse main characters. Every main character in this story was genuinely so unlikeable, despite the author trying to force us to like them. All of them were equally horrid through both personality and action, and they all had their own unique brand of horror.
For example, Rocky’s dad, Charlie, is one of the main characters in the story, and his entire personality is that of being Maria’s groomer/sugar daddy. He meets Maria while Maria is sleeping over at Rocky’s house, and recites poetry to her to flirt. There is a painfully awkward and long scene where they recite Emerson's poetry to each other as they look over the New York skyline. Also, he started flirting with her after learning Maria was seventeen, and calls her “Seventeen” as a nickname when he thinks about her. It’s a really yucky relationship, and as with every other plot point in the story, it just… happened. There was really no point or direction to it. There’s also a brief segment where the author dives into Charlie’s past to make us.. Well, I don’t know what exactly she was hoping to accomplish, but it succeeded in making me like Charlie even less. In short, he had a maid growing up, who was also Hispanic, and got her fired because he’d been caught engaging in inappropriate behavior in her room, and it’s also mentioned that his own mother and dog popped into his head while he engaged in these behaviors. And his mother, who was also rich and neglectful, simply fired the maid and never spoke of it. I think we’re meant to feel pity for Charlie and see that he has unpleasant morals and ideas of what parenting is, but it falls flat.
For example, Rocky’s dad, Charlie, is one of the main characters in the story, and his entire personality is that of being Maria’s groomer/sugar daddy. He meets Maria while Maria is sleeping over at Rocky’s house, and recites poetry to her to flirt. There is a painfully awkward and long scene where they recite Emerson's poetry to each other as they look over the New York skyline. Also, he started flirting with her after learning Maria was seventeen, and calls her “Seventeen” as a nickname when he thinks about her. It’s a really yucky relationship, and as with every other plot point in the story, it just… happened. There was really no point or direction to it. There’s also a brief segment where the author dives into Charlie’s past to make us.. Well, I don’t know what exactly she was hoping to accomplish, but it succeeded in making me like Charlie even less. In short, he had a maid growing up, who was also Hispanic, and got her fired because he’d been caught engaging in inappropriate behavior in her room, and it’s also mentioned that his own mother and dog popped into his head while he engaged in these behaviors. And his mother, who was also rich and neglectful, simply fired the maid and never spoke of it. I think we’re meant to feel pity for Charlie and see that he has unpleasant morals and ideas of what parenting is, but it falls flat.
A lot of scenes in They Could’ve Named Her Anything feel like they’re supposed to be huge emotional moments that lead to scenes of reflection and development for the characters, but often are one-offs and end with the characters somehow worse than they were before. They Could’ve Named Her Anything is Jimenez’s debut novel, and I think this explains a lot about why this book is so utterly dull and abysmal. Jimenez clearly has a lot to learn in terms of pacing, writing style, plot construction, continuity, character development, and characterization.
And I think what truly hurt this book’s chances of being at least a tolerable read was the plot construction. It feels like one of those games where everyone sits in a circle and makes up a story by saying one word at a time, but in this case, everyone has their hands over their ears. The pacing of this book is really tiresome and boring, and every emotional scene, as aforementioned, was poorly written. The ending was also very abrupt and left essentially every plot thread hanging, giving the story a rushed and low-quality finish.
Circling back around to characters, Charlie and Maria’s relationship was genuinely so gross throughout the entire book, with so many scenes being dedicated to his sexually assaulting her or trying to coerce her into sexual favors with the promise of money for Maria’s college tuition. A good chunk of the story happens when Maria goes to Vegas with Rocky and her family, including Charlie. On the trip, there’s a scene where Charlie and Maria are alone at the hotel’s pools, and he takes her into one of the cabanas stationed around the pool, where he tries to coerce her into letting him give her oral in exchange for whatever Maria wants him to buy. Maria consents, but of course, this consent doesn't matter because Maria is underage and being coerced, and asks him to pay for her college tuition and a minifridge.
And I think what truly hurt this book’s chances of being at least a tolerable read was the plot construction. It feels like one of those games where everyone sits in a circle and makes up a story by saying one word at a time, but in this case, everyone has their hands over their ears. The pacing of this book is really tiresome and boring, and every emotional scene, as aforementioned, was poorly written. The ending was also very abrupt and left essentially every plot thread hanging, giving the story a rushed and low-quality finish.
Circling back around to characters, Charlie and Maria’s relationship was genuinely so gross throughout the entire book, with so many scenes being dedicated to his sexually assaulting her or trying to coerce her into sexual favors with the promise of money for Maria’s college tuition. A good chunk of the story happens when Maria goes to Vegas with Rocky and her family, including Charlie. On the trip, there’s a scene where Charlie and Maria are alone at the hotel’s pools, and he takes her into one of the cabanas stationed around the pool, where he tries to coerce her into letting him give her oral in exchange for whatever Maria wants him to buy. Maria consents, but of course, this consent doesn't matter because Maria is underage and being coerced, and asks him to pay for her college tuition and a minifridge.
It unfortunately works, and then they do a sort of pan to black. In the next chapter, they reveal that Maria was trying to push him off, but he did not get off, and she’d disassociated for a moment before she pushed him off, and Charlie listened. Maria also had a boyfriend, Andres, and his only role in the story was being a bad boyfriend to Maria and also cheating on her. Maria also has the same sorts of dissociative spells when she has sex with him and doesn't see sex as something to enjoy or to find connection with, but more as something she has to do. I was confused about what Andres’s role was meant to be, as after he cheats on Maria and leaves her for a girl named Chastity, he’s never mentioned again. There was a bit of focus on how Maria thought Chastity was so perfect and how Andres would treat her so much better, but it was glossed over and never mentioned again.
Focusing more on characters, every single main character in this story is a douchebag in their own way, as aforementioned. But the douchiest of them all is Rocky, second only to her father. Rocky is casually racist, insensitive, and a generally terrible friend. She keeps a list of all the boys she’s had sex with and marks them down based on ethnicity, and marks them down on a sort of travel map. Every time she has sex with a guy of a different ethnicity, she marks it off as a place she’s been to. This was an unnecessary detail and adds nothing to the story, and it makes me wonder why Jimenez is so focused on writing about the sex lives of seventeen-year-old girls.
Focusing more on characters, every single main character in this story is a douchebag in their own way, as aforementioned. But the douchiest of them all is Rocky, second only to her father. Rocky is casually racist, insensitive, and a generally terrible friend. She keeps a list of all the boys she’s had sex with and marks them down based on ethnicity, and marks them down on a sort of travel map. Every time she has sex with a guy of a different ethnicity, she marks it off as a place she’s been to. This was an unnecessary detail and adds nothing to the story, and it makes me wonder why Jimenez is so focused on writing about the sex lives of seventeen-year-old girls.
Rocky also goes for Maria’s brother because he is Mexican, and she wants to add him to the list, and asks to call him Eduardo, a stereotypical Mexican name, which he denies, of course, but it was still a racist move. Rocky constantly stereotypes Mexican people and Latino people in general, and Maria never says anything about it, just allowing Rocky to make these generalizations. Rocky is also a generally insufferable character to read about and has no redeeming qualities.
After Rocky in the Jerklympics comes Maria. She is just a smidge more likable than Rocky, but not by much. Maria gains my ire because she’s so boring and because she’s a horrible friend to the one likable character in the story, Karen. Karen is the only other girl going to Bell Seminary living in Queens, and she’s actually a nice girl. She’s kind to Maria, but doesn't have much of her own character outside of that. Maria is a horrible friend to her, of course, and this leads to their friendship splitting apart. She’s also very boring to read about, and the fact that most of the chapters revolve around her is horrible.
After Rocky in the Jerklympics comes Maria. She is just a smidge more likable than Rocky, but not by much. Maria gains my ire because she’s so boring and because she’s a horrible friend to the one likable character in the story, Karen. Karen is the only other girl going to Bell Seminary living in Queens, and she’s actually a nice girl. She’s kind to Maria, but doesn't have much of her own character outside of that. Maria is a horrible friend to her, of course, and this leads to their friendship splitting apart. She’s also very boring to read about, and the fact that most of the chapters revolve around her is horrible.
As a writer, I understand that writing can be difficult and that it is an arduous process, researching, drafting, rewriting, editing, and much more, but this book feels outstandingly lazy. It feels like Jimenez just threw together something and tried to make an epically angsty teen novel, but it is so painfully mediocre and absolutely reeks of YA. Overall, I would give this book a 1.2/10 and 0.5/5 stars, and I wouldn’t recommend reading this book at all, unless you really want to read a terrible YA novel.
