i’ve always wanted to be loved for living, but i could never imagine a world where i don’t have to earn it. one where i don’t feel i have to perform to be seen or bear my soul to deserve affection. it all sounds so good in theory. practice becomes complicated. practice becomes the constant reminder that it was never possible and that i wouldn’t function properly if it was. practice is almost certainly permanent. i even perform when i don’t mean to. i can never tell when being sweet ends and earning love begins. it all looks identical because i believe that doing more will stop you from loving me less. that being me isn’t enough to make you stay. that asking too much and not offering enough will drive you away. but i’ve always wanted to be loved for living. loved for breathing. loved for loving. loved for no less than waking up in the morning. i’ve never wanted to have to earn it. i work until i do, but the job never feels done. i don’t want to have to earn it, but if i didn’t i’d get scared. scared you’ll leave, scared i don’t weigh more than my effort, or just scared i’m not making you happy. but i deserve to live in a world where i’m loved for living. even if i can’t imagine the flowers that bloom in it, or the color of the sunsets. i deserve to see. and smell. and know. what it’s like…to be loved for living.
