okay, whatever. it’s time to admit that i am one of the most insecure and envious people i know. i don’t voice any of these thoughts outside of my brain because…let’s be serious. but i wanted to talk about my experience. it just feels like my entire life i’ve been living a lie. a lie of saying that i’m pretty or smart or whatever it is, because i honestly don’t think that at all about myself. and you could say it’s because im a 16 year old girl (at the time of writing this) and what not, but i’ve genuinely felt this way since i gained consciousness.
Wasted Teenage Years
as a little kid, i always thought i’d grow to be a teenager who has a large friend group, goes out all the time, etc., but i feel like i’ve just 100% absolutely wasted my prime teenage years. i know they aren’t over yet, and i still have 2 years and some change left of being a teen but gaw lee! i just feel like a loser man! i’ve never had a boyfriend, i’ve never had a stable teenage friend group, im unathletic, i go to hang out with my 2 closest friends like 3 times a year. because between the three of us we have 3 birthdays. (shocker). this year is the most i’ve gone out with people, and i’ve gone out maybe 6-7 times. (yes that is a 6/7 joke, but also just true) my life is genuinely suffocating me, and i’m not going to sit up here and say i enjoy living this way. every time i voice this, people always say “go out more then,”. well, as a person with friends who don’t talk to each other at all, no car, strict parents, and no money… please explain to me how i’m supposed to do that!! i always feel like i’m a fake teenager. i’m inherently jealous, or envious, whichever one it is. i watch people my age go out with their friend groups every other weekend, experience the real teenage life, and i just wish that was me sometimes. (most of the time)
Feeling Ugly and Annoying
alright bro, this is corny but i absolutely despise myself! like genuinely. i feel like people are lying to me when i get compliments. i feel like a faker, i feel like the compliments are pity. i don’t think they are, but there’s something in my brain just telling me that i’m the ugliest creature on earth for some odd reason. this definitely stems from having no romantic connections in my life whatsoever. (before anyone starts, i don’t need male attention in my life, thank you). i’ve had 2 people take romantic interest in me, and even then i believe those were pranks. i know there’s no real reason why anyone would play a joke like that on me, but my brain nags at me and tells me that there’s no way anyone could genuinely like me. i’m a weirdo, i’m not attractive, and i’m a freak. one guy i talked to literally told me to my face that i was not funny. wow!! thanks!! that’s like… so nice to hear. i was also inadvertently called ugly by said guy but we won’t get into what that guy thinks anyway, it’s what i think… and i agree unfortunately!! i hate when people take photos of me, i hate when i look in the mirror, i hate it all.
i think people are only nice to me because i’m nice to them. every time i talk, i regret it. yet, i just can’tcan’t just shut up. i just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. and it’s usually just about nothing!! i was originally shy and awkward as a kid, and i wish i kept the shy part of myself. because now im just a loud, awkward, and annoying person. i genuinely don’t know why i talk so much, it all just sucks. i’m literally an introvert. i love being alone yet i like being outgoing. i wish i could be outgoing in a good way.
Envy
i’m very envious of my friends and just people in general. now, it’s not like i don’t love my friends and are proud of the stuff they do. it just feels like they are always so much better than me, in everything. it’s like i’m just… mediocre. in everything. whether that be in beauty, intelligence, relationships, or charisma. i lack in each and every one of those things. i do know and understand that there’s always gonna be someone better than me in things, but it feels like i’m not good at anything, ever. it feels like all i’m good at is messing up. i look at all my friends and i can only see the things they’re so good at while i’m just a god damn failure. it’s honestly impressive how mediocre i am in everything life has to offer. i’m a background character in my own life! i know i just wrote an op-ed about me being smart and not understanding why men don’t listen to my voiced opinions, but as this entire article is about… i am insecure!! insecurity messes with my brain so much, and it consumes every waking thought i have. i know deep down in my heart and soul that i am not that ugly, i am not that stupid, and i’m not *that* annoying. i just can’t believe that fact sometimes.
Feeling Masculine
where do i even start with this one?? my entire life i’ve been told i look like my father. i think we need to stop saying this to girls if we’re going to continue planting the idea into our heads that being a pretty girl means you need to be small and dainty at all times. why would i ever, ever, want to look like my dad? a GROWN ass man. are we serious? this idea being planted in my head has literally made me believe i look like a little boy most of the time. i compensate by wearing “feminine” colors like pastel pink, light brown, and beige. and it still doesn’t help. i feel like i’ve been nerfed. all of my features (in my eyes at least) are masculine/have been considered masculine from societal standards. i have a large nose, caved in eyes, a stronger face, (naturally) thicker eyebrows,and empty cheeks. it’s like… wow. the only feminine feature on my face are my lips, and every black person—man orand woman—has big, full lips. so that doesn’t help my case at all. i know this come from society’s hatred towards black woman, and calling us men or whatever, and i know i probably shouldn’t think too much about, but it’s just like… i don’t look feminine. i feel like im pretending to be a girl and it’s so silly. my face changes in my eyes everyday, to be completely honest. i can look like a gorgeous girl one day, and like a hideous troll the next. one day, i will look in the mirror for 7 consecutive days and smile to myself.
this article is not for pity because that is the last thing i want. i am already aware that this is literally pathetic, thank you… i just wanted to voice some thoughts i’ve had in my mind my entire life since it seems like everyone in my life is so secure and i hope someone else can maybe perchance relate? thank you buh bye, whoever’s reading this is beautiful and amazing :3
so this is my (trey’s) section. first joint article, kinda nervous (please get the reference). but i feel some of the same ways, i just think i ignore it so much that i forget i’m insecure until i can’t. it’s stupid insecurities like the shape, curve, and width of my fingers or the small micro gaps between my teeth that nobody notices because everybody is always looking at the big one. sometimes it’s the way i walk. and there are very few times where i feel like i “fit in” somewhere or where i don’t feel like the number one lamest n***a on earth. i think i’ve been insecure since i was like 11. but that’s only if we’re going by since i could name it. before then, it’s probably been since around i was around 7.
The First Insecurities
now, if you couldn’t tell by now, my section is going to be a little different, but it’s important you walk with me because it will make sense as you read. as a kid, i wasn’t seriously insecure. my physical insecurities didn’t appear until around fifth grade. but before then, i would see the relationships between the kids at my school and wondered why no one wanted me. like, i dated people, yes, but none of them wanted me the way i wanted them, or sometimes didn’t wanted me at all, for that matter. and i get it’s elementary school now, but back then it made me wonder what was wrong with me,. or why i couldn’t seem to be desired. it didn’t take me very long to realize that i had just grown up faster, with the capacity for different emotions and thoughts, so the intensity i had to offer was often too much. but i was still a kid and i didn’t really understand that fact yet. i was mature, yes, but a child nonetheless. a child that had been wanting to date to marry since five years old. that was really the first thing i hated about myself and it sucks because i was old enough to recognize the difference, but not old enough to understand why it wasn’t my fault. especially being a child that was told i was too sensitive, and spending most of my life being misunderstood by the people around me. this deep hatred for the way my brain and emotions work didn’t stop. they’re still here. i just think i learned to be inauthentic. and i really do pride myself on my authenticity now. i’m as authentic as i retaught myself to be, but most times i’m still just a shell of myself because of the fear of being too much, but in the same breath still never being enough for anyone to want to stay. another insecurity was also just not being able to necessarily fit in with a gender. i had friends but when i hung out with girls something internally didn’t really feel right, and when i hung out with boys i never felt “boy” enough. same thing still applies today. my first intangible insecurities are and were the most profound because they were the only ones to stick around and shape who i am today. although, being friends with women isn’t as bad now. they’re funny, and understand emotions a little better than the average teenage boy. that doesn’t mean that sometimes i don’t want to be surrounded by my female friends or that being with them feels right all the time either, though. so even still i find myself displaced for needing more emotional comfort than most and being authentic.
Physical Insecurities
i’m absolutely not about to get into every physical insecurity i have because…no. but i think my biggest thing with this topic is people telling me i’m crazy. like i’ll express some of my insecurities to friends or family members and they act like it’s not there or i’m making something up. what are you literally talking about? how are you going to tell me what’s on my body? and i understand that it’s coming from a good place, but you can’t tell me what isn’t wrong with me. these talks don’t happen often because i don’t often voice my insecurities because i don’t want them used against me, and they’re rarely relevant, but the way most people approach trying to comfort me about it feels dismissive instead of supportive. there are people who have made me feel better about an insecurity without dismissing it and i think to dismiss them is almost like dismissing parts of me as a whole. if they didn’t exist in the exact way they exist now, i wouldn’t be myself.
Feeling Loud and Annoying
this feeling is experienced a couple different ways. there’s the obvious one, but then there’s the part where i feel loud because i need too much. like loud because i require nurturing or because i require more attention and care than i feel like people are prepared to give me and annoying because i feel like a nuisance. sometimes i feel like a warm color in a room of cool colors or a bright purple tie in a collection of black ones. like loud from needing. and often times i try to bury my needs because i don’t want to be loud, much less, annoying. i just find it difficult to feel this way for wanting certain things that i feel are normal.
i like to believe that everything i’ve said never happened and isn’t there. i think it’s better than thinking about it consistently. and like bryanne said, i’m really not looking for pity, i just think that being honest and vulnerable are very important qualities and i wanted to speak on something with real weight because i haven’t done that in a while.
Wasted Teenage Years
as a little kid, i always thought i’d grow to be a teenager who has a large friend group, goes out all the time, etc., but i feel like i’ve just 100% absolutely wasted my prime teenage years. i know they aren’t over yet, and i still have 2 years and some change left of being a teen but gaw lee! i just feel like a loser man! i’ve never had a boyfriend, i’ve never had a stable teenage friend group, im unathletic, i go to hang out with my 2 closest friends like 3 times a year. because between the three of us we have 3 birthdays. (shocker). this year is the most i’ve gone out with people, and i’ve gone out maybe 6-7 times. (yes that is a 6/7 joke, but also just true) my life is genuinely suffocating me, and i’m not going to sit up here and say i enjoy living this way. every time i voice this, people always say “go out more then,”. well, as a person with friends who don’t talk to each other at all, no car, strict parents, and no money… please explain to me how i’m supposed to do that!! i always feel like i’m a fake teenager. i’m inherently jealous, or envious, whichever one it is. i watch people my age go out with their friend groups every other weekend, experience the real teenage life, and i just wish that was me sometimes. (most of the time)
Feeling Ugly and Annoying
alright bro, this is corny but i absolutely despise myself! like genuinely. i feel like people are lying to me when i get compliments. i feel like a faker, i feel like the compliments are pity. i don’t think they are, but there’s something in my brain just telling me that i’m the ugliest creature on earth for some odd reason. this definitely stems from having no romantic connections in my life whatsoever. (before anyone starts, i don’t need male attention in my life, thank you). i’ve had 2 people take romantic interest in me, and even then i believe those were pranks. i know there’s no real reason why anyone would play a joke like that on me, but my brain nags at me and tells me that there’s no way anyone could genuinely like me. i’m a weirdo, i’m not attractive, and i’m a freak. one guy i talked to literally told me to my face that i was not funny. wow!! thanks!! that’s like… so nice to hear. i was also inadvertently called ugly by said guy but we won’t get into what that guy thinks anyway, it’s what i think… and i agree unfortunately!! i hate when people take photos of me, i hate when i look in the mirror, i hate it all.
i think people are only nice to me because i’m nice to them. every time i talk, i regret it. yet, i just can’tcan’t just shut up. i just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. and it’s usually just about nothing!! i was originally shy and awkward as a kid, and i wish i kept the shy part of myself. because now im just a loud, awkward, and annoying person. i genuinely don’t know why i talk so much, it all just sucks. i’m literally an introvert. i love being alone yet i like being outgoing. i wish i could be outgoing in a good way.
Envy
i’m very envious of my friends and just people in general. now, it’s not like i don’t love my friends and are proud of the stuff they do. it just feels like they are always so much better than me, in everything. it’s like i’m just… mediocre. in everything. whether that be in beauty, intelligence, relationships, or charisma. i lack in each and every one of those things. i do know and understand that there’s always gonna be someone better than me in things, but it feels like i’m not good at anything, ever. it feels like all i’m good at is messing up. i look at all my friends and i can only see the things they’re so good at while i’m just a god damn failure. it’s honestly impressive how mediocre i am in everything life has to offer. i’m a background character in my own life! i know i just wrote an op-ed about me being smart and not understanding why men don’t listen to my voiced opinions, but as this entire article is about… i am insecure!! insecurity messes with my brain so much, and it consumes every waking thought i have. i know deep down in my heart and soul that i am not that ugly, i am not that stupid, and i’m not *that* annoying. i just can’t believe that fact sometimes.
Feeling Masculine
where do i even start with this one?? my entire life i’ve been told i look like my father. i think we need to stop saying this to girls if we’re going to continue planting the idea into our heads that being a pretty girl means you need to be small and dainty at all times. why would i ever, ever, want to look like my dad? a GROWN ass man. are we serious? this idea being planted in my head has literally made me believe i look like a little boy most of the time. i compensate by wearing “feminine” colors like pastel pink, light brown, and beige. and it still doesn’t help. i feel like i’ve been nerfed. all of my features (in my eyes at least) are masculine/have been considered masculine from societal standards. i have a large nose, caved in eyes, a stronger face, (naturally) thicker eyebrows,and empty cheeks. it’s like… wow. the only feminine feature on my face are my lips, and every black person—man orand woman—has big, full lips. so that doesn’t help my case at all. i know this come from society’s hatred towards black woman, and calling us men or whatever, and i know i probably shouldn’t think too much about, but it’s just like… i don’t look feminine. i feel like im pretending to be a girl and it’s so silly. my face changes in my eyes everyday, to be completely honest. i can look like a gorgeous girl one day, and like a hideous troll the next. one day, i will look in the mirror for 7 consecutive days and smile to myself.
this article is not for pity because that is the last thing i want. i am already aware that this is literally pathetic, thank you… i just wanted to voice some thoughts i’ve had in my mind my entire life since it seems like everyone in my life is so secure and i hope someone else can maybe perchance relate? thank you buh bye, whoever’s reading this is beautiful and amazing :3
so this is my (trey’s) section. first joint article, kinda nervous (please get the reference). but i feel some of the same ways, i just think i ignore it so much that i forget i’m insecure until i can’t. it’s stupid insecurities like the shape, curve, and width of my fingers or the small micro gaps between my teeth that nobody notices because everybody is always looking at the big one. sometimes it’s the way i walk. and there are very few times where i feel like i “fit in” somewhere or where i don’t feel like the number one lamest n***a on earth. i think i’ve been insecure since i was like 11. but that’s only if we’re going by since i could name it. before then, it’s probably been since around i was around 7.
The First Insecurities
now, if you couldn’t tell by now, my section is going to be a little different, but it’s important you walk with me because it will make sense as you read. as a kid, i wasn’t seriously insecure. my physical insecurities didn’t appear until around fifth grade. but before then, i would see the relationships between the kids at my school and wondered why no one wanted me. like, i dated people, yes, but none of them wanted me the way i wanted them, or sometimes didn’t wanted me at all, for that matter. and i get it’s elementary school now, but back then it made me wonder what was wrong with me,. or why i couldn’t seem to be desired. it didn’t take me very long to realize that i had just grown up faster, with the capacity for different emotions and thoughts, so the intensity i had to offer was often too much. but i was still a kid and i didn’t really understand that fact yet. i was mature, yes, but a child nonetheless. a child that had been wanting to date to marry since five years old. that was really the first thing i hated about myself and it sucks because i was old enough to recognize the difference, but not old enough to understand why it wasn’t my fault. especially being a child that was told i was too sensitive, and spending most of my life being misunderstood by the people around me. this deep hatred for the way my brain and emotions work didn’t stop. they’re still here. i just think i learned to be inauthentic. and i really do pride myself on my authenticity now. i’m as authentic as i retaught myself to be, but most times i’m still just a shell of myself because of the fear of being too much, but in the same breath still never being enough for anyone to want to stay. another insecurity was also just not being able to necessarily fit in with a gender. i had friends but when i hung out with girls something internally didn’t really feel right, and when i hung out with boys i never felt “boy” enough. same thing still applies today. my first intangible insecurities are and were the most profound because they were the only ones to stick around and shape who i am today. although, being friends with women isn’t as bad now. they’re funny, and understand emotions a little better than the average teenage boy. that doesn’t mean that sometimes i don’t want to be surrounded by my female friends or that being with them feels right all the time either, though. so even still i find myself displaced for needing more emotional comfort than most and being authentic.
Physical Insecurities
i’m absolutely not about to get into every physical insecurity i have because…no. but i think my biggest thing with this topic is people telling me i’m crazy. like i’ll express some of my insecurities to friends or family members and they act like it’s not there or i’m making something up. what are you literally talking about? how are you going to tell me what’s on my body? and i understand that it’s coming from a good place, but you can’t tell me what isn’t wrong with me. these talks don’t happen often because i don’t often voice my insecurities because i don’t want them used against me, and they’re rarely relevant, but the way most people approach trying to comfort me about it feels dismissive instead of supportive. there are people who have made me feel better about an insecurity without dismissing it and i think to dismiss them is almost like dismissing parts of me as a whole. if they didn’t exist in the exact way they exist now, i wouldn’t be myself.
Feeling Loud and Annoying
this feeling is experienced a couple different ways. there’s the obvious one, but then there’s the part where i feel loud because i need too much. like loud because i require nurturing or because i require more attention and care than i feel like people are prepared to give me and annoying because i feel like a nuisance. sometimes i feel like a warm color in a room of cool colors or a bright purple tie in a collection of black ones. like loud from needing. and often times i try to bury my needs because i don’t want to be loud, much less, annoying. i just find it difficult to feel this way for wanting certain things that i feel are normal.
i like to believe that everything i’ve said never happened and isn’t there. i think it’s better than thinking about it consistently. and like bryanne said, i’m really not looking for pity, i just think that being honest and vulnerable are very important qualities and i wanted to speak on something with real weight because i haven’t done that in a while.
