They say that love is the one thing in this world that is craved by every person. Why? Because it's supposed to be this beautiful feeling that's shown and felt from someone or something. But lately that isn't how I've seen it, and I think it started a while ago.
Growing up, love wasn't constant; it could be bountiful one moment and scarce the next. Not to say that I had abusive parents in any way, but it was always something I noticed--a pattern, if you will. During those days, the day could start from going good, to rapidly declining, to somewhat stable, and then to a total trainwreck.
From this pattern, I developed in my head a safe mechanism to not mistake peace for love. Because, to me, just because it was peaceful in my home at some moment, doesn't mean that love is there. It's been like this almost my whole life, and that mechanism will probably continue to an unknown date.
From this pattern, I developed in my head a safe mechanism to not mistake peace for love. Because, to me, just because it was peaceful in my home at some moment, doesn't mean that love is there. It's been like this almost my whole life, and that mechanism will probably continue to an unknown date.
From that ‘mechanism,’ a lot of things came into being in terms of how I process love. Firstly, I don't expect love just randomly, mainly because I have been told again and again that I ruin everything. So following that flow of logic: how could anyone love someone who will just ruin their life? How can anyone love an atomic bomb or cancer?
Secondly, I expect people to leave my life no matter how hard I try. Whether it be that I distance myself for their safety (following the logic of the first process) or they just see that I'm not who they thought I was or who they expected.
Which brings me to my last ‘rule’, so to speak: I expect people to judge me. This is based on both my appearances, actions, and just everything about me, basically. Secretly, it eats me up that I can't really be who I am because I'm too busy being who I'm supposed to be according to social standards--which can be all over the place nowadays.
Secondly, I expect people to leave my life no matter how hard I try. Whether it be that I distance myself for their safety (following the logic of the first process) or they just see that I'm not who they thought I was or who they expected.
Which brings me to my last ‘rule’, so to speak: I expect people to judge me. This is based on both my appearances, actions, and just everything about me, basically. Secretly, it eats me up that I can't really be who I am because I'm too busy being who I'm supposed to be according to social standards--which can be all over the place nowadays.
Through my life experiences with love, I can safely assume that, for me, love is childish. As far as my ‘rules’: I dictate them so that it is pointless for me to pursue the pipe dream of love because it goes against it. Yet I find myself craving it constantly: the quiet moments in the night are filled with the match-sized light of hope that one day I may have that love I always crave. The quiet and bold love that brings warmth to this sub-zero heart. And when I wake up from that pipe dream, it all comes flooding back--the reality that I will most likely be alone for a very long time.
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Atticus Villanueva |
