Heartbreak and grieving a loss hurts a lot, obviously, but in my eyes, it’s the worst pain that can happen other than period cramps and childbirth. Depending on the severity, it hurts in the chest. Sometimes it hurts you so bad mentally that you start to feel it physically. I think the worst part about it all is having to pick yourself back up and rebuild what was inconsiderately broken by the person who broke it. There is also no guide to moving on and getting better. You just gotta wing it until you feel better. That is why I’m going to give advice in this article in hopes to make it a little bit easier.
The Five Stages of Grief Don’t Happen in Order
This is something I wish somebody would’ve told me earlier. When you don’t realize that they don’t happen in order and you feel fine, you think you’re in the acceptance stage. You will soon find out that you are not when the smallest thing triggers you and you fall apart again. You might be tempted to look inward and ask, “What’s wrong with me?” Nothing is wrong with you. Your heart hurts and it’s okay to feel that. Getting over heartbreak is a roller coaster and can make you feel so many indescribable, gut wrenching, overwhelming emotions, and it’s okay to feel them. It’s actually best that you can do. In my personal experience, I’ll go through the anger and depression stages like seven times before I reach denial and bargaining. Then I’ll go right back to being sad and angry. Everyone processes emotions differently, which leads me to another of advice on this topic: stop comparing your healing to other people’s healing. I promise, you will be so much more at peace.
Grieving Someone Who’s AlivE
Not even gonna sugar coat it… this one hurts like a b***h. Especially if you have to interact with them and see them in your everyday life. The feeling of someone being so close but so far away makes my chest want to cave in like a Capri Sun. Coming to terms with the fact that they’re gone and making peace with the fact that there’s a possibility that they will never be back in your life to fill the hole they left—that’s the hardest part of it all. I think it’s because a part of you wanted it to work out so bad, and facing reality is like being stabbed repeatedly. I mean back to back to back to back. Eventually, however, after you’ve had a good cry to Blond (yes that was Frank Ocean promo. Stream Blond), the only thing you can do is realize that person just isn’t for you. Whether it be in this lifetime, or just for right now. Obviously, if you’re grieving their absence, they are meant to stay absent because nobody should make you feel like you have to grieve over them when they aren’t even dead.
Don’t even get me started on no contact and how much I hate it. It’s so necessary, but so cruel. I’m never strong enough to actually go through with it or keep doing it. No matter how much I try. However, if you need to stop talking to that person to heal, please do so because you aren’t gonna do anything but hurt yourself. In that time where you could’ve initiated no contact but didn’t, you run the risk of ruining your perception of them even more. Most of the time, the other person in the situation is gonna act like everything is fine, and you’re going to be standing there looking stupid and feeling hurt. The reality of the matter is everything is indeed not fine and okay and you need to step back for it to be that way. Do it for your own good and stick with it. Personally, I don’t have that type of self-control, but that’s why I keep getting hurt. Learn from my mistakes.
Trying Not To Go Back
I do it every time without fail. I swear I’m over it, but the moment I hear them say something along the lines of “let’s try again,” I prove myself wrong. Just like no contact, this takes a lot of self-control. Trying to drown out all the positives is the best way to go in my opinion, but it’s so difficult. Especially when all you want to see is the good they caused, and you try to convince yourself it outweighs the bad, when you know it doesn’t. In these times where you are trying to stay away from going back, refrain from apologizing when you know for a fact you’re not wrong; think on it, get a second opinion or more, and finally, don’t be afraid to make a (REALISTIC) pros and cons list. Don’t just put anything for pros, but be highly selective when it comes to cons.
Don’t Hurt Yourself For That Person
Don’t sacrifice your sanity or peace for that person. Even if you feel like they are worth it, they aren’t. Nothing is. I did this a lot in my past two relationships. Talking to either of them was physically hurting me, but I didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t want to see them hurt, so I only saw the good they did and chose not to confront the bad. I’d try to tell myself that the positives canceled out every bad thing they made me feel. I put their needs over my own, and just ended up hurting even more than I originally needed to. I’m not just exaggerating either. I swear to you I came home from hanging out with one of them and our mutual friend and cried for hours all because I didn’t want to say how I felt. I felt that if I did speak my mind, she would leave me completely. That if I spoke up, she was gone forever. As a result, my healing took longer than it should’ve. The point is, do what you feel you need to do, and feel better no matter how you think they will feel.
Crying IS Normal
If you feel like crying, cry. Don’t feel like you have to be strong just because. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you anything but human. For the longest, I tried to stop myself from crying over people. But crying helps. It’s been scientifically proven. If you have to take a break from what you’re doing at the moment, then do it. If you have to set aside time, then do it. Just don’t let the sadness become crippling, and you’re fine. I promise.
Take Care of Yourself
In my most recent break up, I wasn’t taking care of myself for like the first two weeks of us being broken up. I didn’t get up to do anything but use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and shower. I beg of you, please, take care of yourself. Drink water, eat something, hell, do some yoga. Just don’t let temporary hurt stop you from being your best self. In the end, it’s not the end of the world, and you’ll be fine.
FORGIVE FORGIVE FORGIVE FORGIVe
I cannot stress enough how important forgiveness is. You're not forgiving for them, you're forgiving for you. You’re forgiving to let go. Forgiving them is going to open the door for healing and moving forward. I’m not saying you have to be their friend or even talk to them. I’m not saying you have to forget it happened either; just don’t hold a grudge, because nine times out of ten they are not giving it the same energy you are. It’s a waste of time and space in your mind to hate this person forever for something they did. Just choose to forgive, move on, and be happy.
Don’t Blame Yourself
To be clear, blame yourself if it’s your fault but don’t dwell just be accountable. If it isn’t your fault and you know that, don't get gaslit into believing you were the problem. If you know you did everything in your power to make it work and be your best for them, you cannot blame yourself for other people’s shitty actions. Don’t blame yourself for someone else’s inability to love you properly. If you know you gave it all you had and you did your best, don’t let the pedestal you put them on and the title you gave them convince you you did something wrong. All you can do at that point is leave it alone.
It Is NOT The End of the World
No matter if you feel you won’t get through it, you will. This won’t be the last person you love and, most likely, not the last person to hurt you. Learn from your mistakes, and keep trying. I believe in you.