I remember when we loved each other
I remember when everything was okay
I remember how you looked at me
There was nothing but love in your eyes
And I remember how you gazed at me
Like I was the most precious thing you’d ever seen
Do you remember?
Because I do
And my work lives in
Those memories
But I also remember what happened then
I remember how your gaze turned into a grimace
The love in your eyes was replaced with disgust
Even though you said red was your favorite color
I remember when everything was okay
I remember how you looked at me
There was nothing but love in your eyes
And I remember how you gazed at me
Like I was the most precious thing you’d ever seen
Do you remember?
Because I do
And my work lives in
Those memories
But I also remember what happened then
I remember how your gaze turned into a grimace
The love in your eyes was replaced with disgust
Even though you said red was your favorite color
I remember that day
I remember it like a fever dream
But what I remember clearest was the look on
Daddy’s face
Daddy didn’t love me much
He didn’t care for me when I was struggling
When I brought home men that
Hurt me
He’d stay downstairs when they beat me
And turn up the TV when I cried
But I didn’t hate Daddy
At least he stayed when Mom didn’t
At least he didn’t hit me like she did
But everything changed when you came along
Daddy liked you
He liked you a lot
In Daddy’s mind
You were the best thing
I’d ever done
I remember how the two of you would laugh
While I made dinner
You two would talk each other’s heads off
About the things you had in common
You made us a family
But all of that changed when you left me
I can understand why
She was prettier
Easier to handle
Less baggage
More stable
But you didn’t only take my heart with you
You took our family
My family
I remember how Daddy looked
He looked at me like I was useless
And I was
After all
It was me who chased you away
But I knew how to bring you back
So I called
From Daddy’s phone
Of course
You’d blocked me long before then
You answered
And when you heard what I’d done
You came running
Just like I’d hoped you would
And you saw it
You saw him
Daddy
He was on the ground
Covered in his blood
And so was I
It was so red
It was so beautiful
I remember seeing you
And being elated
Seeing you after so long
Made me the happiest
I’d ever been
But then I saw your eyes
You looked at me so differently
Terror and disdain
Was all I could see
Then I looked at Daddy
He was a mess
He was cold
And most of all
He was gone
And he could never come back
Poor Daddy
Didn’t deserve that
But his sacrifice gave me what I wanted
What I needed
Your eyes
If I don’t have your eyes on me
Then what am I?
Nothing
I remember seeing you on the news
You killed a man
Someone’s father
The same way I killed my Daddy
With malice
With brutality
With passion
I thought you finally understood me
But you were called a hero
No one looked at you with as much disgust
As you gave me that day
You painted that man red
And colored him a villain
Now people love you
And chase your shadow
But I lost all I loved that day
And I couldn’t get the one thing I wanted
To follow me
But I knew how to capture your attention
I’d paint the world red
I’d get you to chase me
I’d get you to love me.
So I did it again
And again
And again
And you’d always show up
And I’d always feel your eyes on me
It was addicting
But things are different now
You aren’t disgusted by my presence anymore
You keep chasing me
Trying to catch me
But you look at me differently now
You look at me like I’m nothing
You look at me with arrogance
You look at me like Daddy did
I can tell that woman loves you too much
She praises you when you come home
With another man’s blood on your clothes
The world hails your paintings like they’re fine art
And children wish they could be like you
But you’re a murderer like I am
And somehow, we’re so different
We both kill for love
We both kill for acceptance
But I’m the only one in the wrong
Society can’t wait for me to become
One of your many portraits
Now that we’re standing face to face
I realize you’re just like Daddy
You never valued me
But even though I know this
And even though I don’t
Want you anymore
I still remember
I remember it all
And you’re a part of me now
And I can’t help but wonder
Do you remember too?
Do you think about me
When you lay next to her?
Does my voice echo in hers?
Do you close your eyes
And see my smiling face?
And I can’t help but hope
That I become one of your paintings someday
So I can find out
Exactly what you thought of me
My one wish
Is that I’m one of your masterpieces
I hope you put at least
That much thought into me
But until then
We’ll chase each other
And you’ll hate me
Because I’m a sinner
And I’ll love you
Because you’re my savior.
